How’d We Get Here?
On his Twitter account, Jimmy requested his mass of followers to share the funniest, and undeniably, cutest things kids have said. Within a couple of seconds, the internet responded by tagging this request with #KidQuotes. We have been hooked ever since!
Because let’s face it, kids get away with a lot of things we can’t. If it’s enough to cause us whooping laughter, it will receive a baby shower on Fallon’s late-night show! So notify your mom’s (or dad’s group), get those phones out and start taping! We hope you keep them coming!
Kids and geriatric patients are alike in so many ways. They have trouble controlling a lot of aspects in their life – emotions, energy levels and bladder control. One has trouble because they’re growing into their bodies, while the other is outgrowing their bodies. But there’s nothing shameful about it. It’s just the way things are! So we handle each tricky situation one at a time.
Reckon class must have been uncomfortable for him. It would have dried out eventually, but not without leaving a trail of scent. That’s olfactory evidence for you! But we understand if he wants to air-dry this one out. We wouldn’t want to be branded Pissin Tom for nothing. Kindergarteners are unforgiving.
Stouffer’s is known for its calorie-rich frozen dinners. These are entrees your kids are more accustomed to than the experimental projects you have set out to cook in the kitchen. Since this has become a staple food, it’s hard to get kids to eat anything but!
Anything that reminds kids of a home is preferred! Save the surprises for game upgrades, toys, friends and clothes. But do not mess with their appetite. It’s hard enough feeding them, so we’re not surprised why the Italian dish was left unappreciated.
You ever experience that moment in your life when you’re just blissfully unaware until someone asks you a question. Suddenly you’re stressing over the answers, mortified that you hadn’t asked yourself that question first, or that you don’t know where to find it. Kind of like Ms. Young Professional here,
What’s worse is that an eight-year-old asked you that question. She seems to have it all figured out. She’s lucky she has an older sister. You have to figure it all out by yourself. What’s next? Will she be asking you who your date will be for prom? Where does she even get these ideas?
This is kind of like that moment when your kid blurts out his or her “first” word. You’re both too excited to ascertain what it is your baby just said, but you are certain it was something amazing…something personal to you. Dada! No, Mama. One of you misheard so you strain to hear your baby coo again
Too bad, folks! Both of you misheard. It’s not like it was your fault, kids mean one thing but say another. It takes time for their brain to adapt to the complexity of mommy, daddy or epic. All this time we had thought your kid was cursin’ like a sailor. But, hey, we’re glad he is just into adjectives a lot.
The best part about being a kid is that you get to dress up whatever way you want every day. Sounds like Halloween! You want to dress up like a princess, go ahead! We’ve got your back. You want to rule over the seven kingdoms, we’ll knit you some beanie dragons! So what do you want to wear to school today?
If you dare dress up that way as an adult, you might be checked in to a facility. But if you go as a pair with your kid, you just might pull it off. Sounds like there’s a perk to being apparent after all. Both of you could show your innate artistry through clothing!
When it’s just you and the kids, there’s a lot of room for raucous laughter. You can tickle them non-stop on the floor, ruffle their hair and belch. But when you’re out in public, you’d have to put on some degree of decorum for other people’s sake.
But it only works if your kid understands why it’s done. Until then, you’ll have to be patient with them. You’d be repeating requests, and they will push your buttons to determine what your boundaries are. Tough luck grandmum!
Kids don’t have a good understanding of time. They have only been around a couple of years, so a hundred to them is a big deal. They probably think dinosaurs were made within that duration of time. And a couple of years later, you were born. Never mind the millennia that came in between.
If it had been us, we would have played along. We would have said there weren’t any televisions when we were born. We only relied on the Morse Code to communicate. Imagine that, we only communicated using dots and spaces. Watch her eyes light up in amazement as we tell her world history! Win-win!
Kids observe the littlest things. In this case, quite literally. When Michelle was teaching in class, a student was preoccupied about her hair growth than they were about life skills or colouring within the lines. She had a funny, fist-clenching encounter with the kid over break time.
Breathe in hot momma, breathe out, let this pass. You are at this very moment in a classroom with paperwork in front of you, and this kid has just said something. We are unaware of his intentions but we must assume positive intent. Now explain, in simple terms, that both sexes grow hair due to certain bodily influences. He’s too young for detention, mind you!
Kids are delusional. That’s normal. That’s how their imagination works, and to be fair, we feed them the same ideas- Santa, Boogeyman, The Tooth Fairy, Honey Bunny. They’ll grow out of it when they reach the appropriate age, but until then just play along.
Because they’ll do you one better. Their ideas are limitless but they’ll defend their imagination to the nail! Think of it as an inelastic rubber band. It will stretch over time. But if you stretch it before it’s ready, it’ll snap back and you will be met with pain. In Emily’s case, it seems like she got the shorter end of the stick here.
One with the Crowd
Time to get the ball rolling! And what better way to do it than to start with a personal anecdote. After all, the more we have the more we grow in wisdom! This woman’s friend’s daughters were throwing around harmless jokes. To add a little life to our years, Jimmy shared …
To which Dairy Queen laughably replied sharing the throne never bothered us anyway. Does this mean we get free treats? Or did his daughter and her friends? We really should join in on this, and listen more intently to our nephews and nieces. It’s just that their stories are too colourful and milk-toothed for our taste.
Lost In Translation
Merry Christmas or Happy Christmas – that’s what Feliz Navidad really means. If you have ever sung along to Jose Feliciano’s song, you probably just sang the chorus. That’s the easiest part. But we never bothered to know the lyrics until now. After all, even though Spanish is a relatively English language to learn – a majority of people have a hard time speaking it. So we can totally relate with this parent.
We beat you to it, just in case you wondered if it was fleas on the dog or Feliz Navidad, and what it really meant. At least none of the words subtly lost their original meaning upon translation. We hate it when that happens, don’t you? But fleas on the dog makes for a merrier Christmas song.
In the still silence, that’s what you would probably hear when you encounter an awkward point in your conversation. Much like this. It’s just that, as adults we choose to be kind and mindfully patient with our kids. They have a long way to go, and we’re there to guide them through it.
Chree! Blame the milkteeth. That’s probably why they hear and pronounce it as that. But it would make a funny story over the dinner table. Just explain why it is the way it is so your kid won’t feel bad. The last thing we want is for this story to end up on #thatwascold tweets.
When you’re a parent, you better be fit. There’s a lot of chasing around and days when you’re left wide awake. There are no days off, nor are you allowed to call the referee for a foul. You’re in this together forever…or at least until they reach 18. Until then, you’ll be frequently met with this.
What did she mean by carbonated? Does she mean fuzzy and oogly? Those are the terms that we can understand better now that we have spent more time being parents than we are being scientists. Does it hurt? Does she mean it’s cramped? Someone has got to translate our kids for us!
He’s the kid in all of us – the boy who wouldn’t grow up. And as you read the next tweet, you’d find yourself thinking the same thing as this honest boy. He’s just saying it as it is! After all, who wouldn’t want extra cheese? (Besides vegans of course).
For others, it’s cheese, for some, it’s coffee. But whatever it is, better keep it coming, served at the optimal temperature, and a dose of love. Childhood is the only time in our lives when we didn’t worry about the calorie count and the nutritional benefits of anything. As long as it’s good, it’s worth coming back to over and over!
This kid has a bright future. We totally agree with him on this one. When Ellen had invited her three-year-old son for a joy ride, he had responded the most comedic way possible, without even trying! Get us a kid like this, please!
We bet those rides are brimming with laughter and brutal honesty. Let’s face it, only kids can get away with it. They don’t even know what they’re doing wrong. They’re just stating the truth as is. Wouldn’t you prioritize a well-cooked steak over a leisure car ride with wind breezing through your face? We’ll only do so if we’re full!
Just In Case We Forget
Kids are the perfect go-to reminders. They may have a moderate-to-short attention span but they can tell you the time, and what things are for. It really just started with a game, but now it’s doing us wonders! Isn’t learning fun? Start them young. If you need a mosquito killer you won’t need to buy Baygon, all you’ll need is a kid.
What’s a watch for? Can you tell us what time it is? If your child is old enough, they’ll reply a concrete answer, or they’ll reply abstractly. For example, they can reply it’s 6 pm or they can reply it’s time for cookies! Either way, it’s fun and refreshing. Make a new batch and prep the juice!
Of course, being a parent is not always rainbows and tea sets. There are times when your kid will test your boundaries to see just how they can behave the next time around. Take for instance, this father who lays down a ground rule that physical safety is a must!
No wonder women outlive men. They aren’t really good risk evaluators, are they? Dad, say no for Chissake! We can imagine you bending over and pretending like nothing hurts. It’s unmanly for you to cower when you could have said no. Say no next time!
Dead in their Tracks
Playtime is exciting. You can play hide and seek, win by pretending to un-see your kids, or build fortresses from pillows and sheets. Lock and load your nerf guns, and shoot down immobile soldiers attempting to cross the border. Sometimes, you can even target your bullets at Aunt Angie!
Comrade, that’s a +1 casualty. Never hesitate when pacifying the enemy, or else they’ll throw you off guard with a comment like that. But that kid reacted well! It had hit her where it hurts the most. That’s psychological warfare!
You know how kids mimic adults – from the way they dress to the paper they wear, even when they haven’t learned their ABCs. But it’s endearing to see that they are acutely aware of everything going on around them. To apply what they have learned, you’ll see or hear them saying something like this!
In our household, that’d be the fad term. Imagine having to fix your husband’s necktie and telling him he has to be pointy because every day is an important day at work! Give mum a kiss and that kid a pat on the back. Now off you go!
People call it grounding. You’re basically allowing and enjoying the present moment as it is. And it works wonders for parents! It reduces stress, decreases tension, saves you from a heart attack, and leaves you emotionally resilient. Because let’s face it, when you have a daughter, you’re going to need it.
Geez Katie Jr., let mommy have some fun! You came from her after all. Wouldn’t it be a perk if she had come from that planet, and you were the princess of it? Where do you think all your funny bones came fron. It sure as hell didn’t come exclusively from dad.
That Explains It
Here’s another similarity between you and your kids. They are really fascinated about the human body! If you hand them that microscope and popsicle stick, they will gladly play Doctor Holmes and examine every nook and crook that your body has to offer. See what the doctor had to say about Patient Shaun.
Diagnosis – massive brain trauma, brainhole with no end in sight. We are unsure of the extent of the damage but we should schedule a surgery STAT and book the OR. Findings coincide with the fact that you have a delayed motor response and lack of humor. Other indicia = laughing at his own “dad” jokes.
During motherhood, there are a lot of things you take on – work, children, your in-laws and probably a “little” weight. These are expected but having to manage them can be excruciating. Sometimes you’d be taken aback by the things you miss because your priorities change.
Is it denial or lack of time? That’s just a little padding under our chins. That has markedly reduced ever since we did neck exercises. Not even husbands admit those things to their wives’ faces. But we’ll make an exception for this. As the Kingslayer has said, the things we do for love. Good thing there aren’t any towers to fall from.
Sixteenth Life Crisis
It’s either mid-life or quarter-life. That’s it. You’re left wondering what your life purpose and what you plan to do for the coming years. It looks bleak and tiresome because of the number of years you’ve hustled to achieve goals. It turns out that kids experience it.
That puts us to shame. Well when we were in her age, we found coloring within the lines painstaking too. Why can’t we color haphazardly? She hasn’t even reached a quarter of a quarter-life crisis. Bummer. Blame your parents.
Decreed by the Princess
Kids have odd ways of showing they trust you. They’ll either peer at you and ask questions that are out of the blue, or brand you by royal decree. Nathan knows this firsthand. When he had been working at an after-school program he had an odd encounter with one of the princesses.
Say thank you! She will babble away on initiative. If you ask, you risk making her feel more like royalty. Believe us, the loftily-placed do not like to waste their time explaining simple things to commoners like us. She’ll feel contempt for you and that’ll be the end of it. Wouldn’t you want to be called Waffle?
What Makes you Special
It’s one of kids’ favorite questions. What separates you from us? What makes you so different from the rest? From cookies, friends, to house adventures, kids are constantly comparing themselves with each other. Guess what this kid had to say.
Yeah, so do ours. In fact it so many holes we have to go Dr. Popper to clean them. What’s his name again? Oh Dr. Pimple Popper. You don’t have to go to him. It’s only for adults, and no amount of begging will make us bring you on our monthly visits. Boohoo!
There are at least two ways to look at things. Struggles as setbacks, or periods of growths; enclosures to protect something within, or to protect the things outside; or youth as a period of energy or stupidity. When you’re a free spirit, precautions stifle. You don’t mind getting hurt for as long as you aren’t held back.
And that’s about right! Most days we prefer going barefoot around the house, letting our feet air dry and seeing them bask in the sunlight as we wriggle the toes to and fro. Why bother with laces, leather, or straps to protect them? Won’t they be able to weather the tough times like untamed spirits?
Sources of Entertainment
Decades ago our source of entertainment was the telly, VHS tapes and comic books. Nowadays, kids are just swamped with gadgets. They’re not even out of the womb and they’re listening to your Spotify podcast straight from your phone. So no wonder this kid expected all machines to be “fun”.
Oh, it will be when you’re 16! Hell, it will be her source of entertainment when she’s sneaking out with friends, going out on dates, trying on the latest brands and eyewear, all while she’s financially illiterate. Not even a simple subscription on Youtube will cut it. Transfer funds are the new source of entertainment.
Kids have the funniest way of describing things. They’re really just associating concepts and ideas they know, but we still can’t get over their unusual way of looking at things. Maybe, it’s just our lack of imagination. But we hope their “gift” rubs off on us.
And here’s the perfect time to create an illusory story. Make it as lively and unpredictable as theirs. Keep them listening. Mum will stand idly by, watching you command your children’s attention. You’ll know you’re doing a great job when you see a slight grin on her face and an unparalleled amazement from your kid. Say, how far back does your neck bend?
Knowing the Drill
When you are the younger child, expect hand-me-downs. It’s the unwritten rule of life, regardless of sex. So pray that your older sibling has good unisex fashion taste, otherwise you’re either outdated or non-binary. So that got this kid thinking…
In a few years time, she will be old enough to wear that dress! How about having your older sister wear it first. One wear and she will tire of it. After that, it’s yours. That’s delayed gratification working wonders for this whiz kid. Give her the dress for that genius idea!
Always With Company
Owing to their lively abstractions, children are never alone. They’re kept company by numbers, shapes and colors who dance rhythmically to the child’s baton. One second he’s a maestro, the next, he’s a magician pulling a wabbit‘s ears with that wand. And their stories – they’re just teeming with characters and unfinished adventures, like Joe.
Let’s guess. Joe must do backbreaking work mashing solid pieces to pulp. He doesn’t complain and he finds that his work is only possible because of his partner. They grind and fight, kneading until the material bounces back slightly. Then it’s ushered in by the tongue. Just don’t tell the kid that Joe is one of his milk teeth.
Beating You to It
Who likes baby-sitting? Apart from the perky girl-next-door blonde. She doesn’t count. Because when we’re pressed for a few more dollars, and we take up the job begrudgingly, it shows. Our passion for keeping your child alive is there, but our work ethic is just satisfactory. Kids can tell!
Look at this kid beating us to it! As @IrritatedAuntie puts it, this little destroyer of souls. We’re not sure if that’s a ciao or a welcome greeting, but at least Mac took it all in stride. Is he going to law school or something? To balance the odds, Godspeed Mac!
Having a new member to the family can mean a lot of things to everyone. To an expectant dad, it’s a chance to have someone male to play ball with. To a nursing mom, it could mean raising another queen in her stead. To an only child, a younger sibling could mean an intrusion.
That’s because you told her you were only there to visit her baby brother. So she probably thought he was optional, or that he is only meant to be played with for a certain window period. How would anyone have known he belongs to us now. The least you could have let her do was to choose from amongst the babies lined up in the hospital.
She sells seashells by the sea shore! It makes for a catchy tune. The trick is to understand each word and to say it slowly but correctly. In time you can gradually increase the rate by which you pronounce it. Then you’ll have a nice trick for your friends – purpura, precious, precocious, puberty!
It’s interesting how kids think. It hadn’t even occurred to us that they do seem similar. And had it been another of our office mates, we would have laughed in on the joke. Since this was an innocent assumption, it makes for a simple lesson about nouns – one is a proper, abstract location, whereas the other is a common, abstract concept.
Beat You To It
There’s nothing as devastating as hearing that something is untrue – limits to numbers; storks, their beak capacities and delivering babies; Santa Claus. Here’s another one for you- Disney characters! Do you mean to tell us that this whole time, animals cannot talk with us? Just tell us the truth!
Dad, you had it coming. You shouldn’t have fed him ideas about animals, magic and pixie dust. Now, he’s just angry – for you having lied to him, and for the fact that Mickey Mouse doesn’t exist. Better tell him the truth while you’re standing. Tower over him to keep that face intact, then calmly state your boundaries. Put him on the Runaway Railway as a pre-emptive measure.
Keep It Simple
When explaining things, make sure they’re age-appropriate. Otherwise you’re going to end up using more “adult” words, in even trickier instances. Then it’s going to be a winding, philosophical discussion about how your life didn’t turn out how you had intended it to be. Your kid isn’t a shrink. Neither are you! Keep it simple.
See what we mean? Now you’re going to explain idiomatic expressions and exaggerations. If you go anywhere near the fairies (pixie, or the tooth fairy), or Santa Claus, abort mission. Say something unexpected like “cookies!” then point at a corner. Give them one, and reschedule the talk…when they’re a bit older.
How do your kids handle their boo-boos? We find that it really depends on age. Children react differently based on the narrative you tell them and how you teach them to cope. Because we have a fighter here! Stephanie was able to see her nurse the pain.
Now, we’re not saying that kids should endure it, but they can face a tolerable, yet momentary discomfort. And there’s nothing demeaning if they do so with tears. Let’s try to be more careful next time. See whether there’s enough clearance to move through a tough spot. Attagirl!